The Only Way Out Of The Woods
by Broken Biscuit
Summary: Emilie Autumn and Veronica Varlow set out on an adventure one night, but find themselves lost in an endless forest. With signs appearing everywhere, it becomes clear that there is only one way to get out of this hot and bothersome situation- but can the girls live up to the racy task that the forest expects of them?


The show was done, and the corset was OFF.

It was a beautiful evening with ripe opportunity for shenanigans. Emilie found herself in her sexiest lingerie (the kind that they didn't permit her to wear onstage), a bag of pretzels in her hand, and a whole big pocket full of nothing to do. Perhaps she would have gone to play with her friends, but Veronica was taking a shower and Captain Maggots had escaped into the woods again. So here she was with no way of occupying herself.

The tour bus had begun its drive towards the cabin in the woods that the girls would be staying at that night. Leaving those crazy girls in solitude would make for failproof safety from any crazy fans bent on holding Emilie to the sun or mixing any sorts of blood or other crazy hullabaloo like that. Plus, they would not have very far to search in the event of Maggots' escape. Things were so well planned out.

…Or, so they thought.

As the tour bus rolled into the hidden, wooded area, Emilie heard the shower turn off. Veronica stepped out of the small bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel, daintily wringing out her hair.

"I've just had the best idea, Emmy-Bemmy!" said Veronica as she sat down next to the sexily-clad singer.

"Does it involve wearing clothing, or otherwise?" the faux blond replied, not taking her eyes off of the list of pretzel ingredients.

Veronica waved off the question. "Minor details, babe. I was thinking, howsabout we go dancing tonight?"

Emilie snorted, now sitting up. "Ya know, Ronnie… I think I ought to take this moment to point out that we're staying in a cabin… in the woods."

"Don't be such a grumpy-frumples, Emilie. There's a dance joint not even a mile away from where we're staying. It'll be fun!"

Dipping a fragment of a pretzel into her teacup and daintily nibbling it, Emilie furrowed her brow and shook her head. "I don't know. I really think it'd be safer to stay in the cabin than to go trekking around on a January evening. Besides, if Mags gets home and we're not there, she'll be forced to find other people to spend her birthday with. And that'd be terribly sad for us."

Veronica was rolling around on the floor by now in such frustration. "But I really really really really wanna!"

Unable to compete with Veronica's eloquent skill in the art of being convincing, Emilie rolled her eyes and sighed. "All right, okay, fine. But when you contract pneumonia this time around, I refuse to take your temperature via any means other than your mouth."

With this, Veronica beamed in satisfaction.

Standing up to gather her things, Emilie began toward the bathroom in order to reapply some hair dye. "Oh, and Ronnie?"

Veronica glanced up, a seductive smile still stuck to her lips.

"…Pick up your towel."

A few hours later, in the middle of the woods, two lone figures were trudging through the shrubs and brambles. The two girls had their dancing shoes laced up and everything, and though Emilie was still in her sexy lingerie, she had thrown on a scarf last minute just to be sure she'd stay toasty.

"I think we're lost, Veronica," called Emilie over the shrieking winds. "Where exactly was this dance joint again?"

"Uh, around. You know, it's probably just around the corner."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Emilie blinked in irritation.

Suddenly, a sign was visible in the distance. Thankful to the God that had made her so pretty, Emilie bolted that way, eager for some sense of direction. As Veronica skidded to a stop just behind her, Emilie's eyes adjusted to the darkness just enough to make out the sign's freshly painted letters:

"YOU'RE LOST"

"I've never heard of this place," muttered Veronica.

Emilie angrily rolled her eyes and stomped past the sign. It was not long before the two friends came upon another sign.

"THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT"

A little on edge now, Emilie strode past this sign as will, thinking she was able to make out some light off in the distance. Tightening her scarf, Emilie soldiered forward, looking forward to finding society and perhaps a cup of tea.

However, pulling closer, she found it just to be an illuminated sign.

"KISS"

Emilie was indignant at the very thought. Had the sign been a rowdy man, she would have very reasonable explained to him that she didn't take no orders from nobody and that she would kiss whoever the fuck she wanted to whenever it pleased her, but it was nothing more than a lit up sheet of plywood. Veronica's eyes were wide as she read the sign, looking around for whoever might have recently painted this up, seeing as the message looked incredibly fresh. Finding no one, she simply turned to Emilie, suddenly seeming a bit hot and bothered.

"I, uh… I don't know if there are any other options, Em."

Emilie clammed up. "How is kissing going to get us out of the woods? It's not."

She turned away with a blush on her face, tightening the bra straps of her sexy lingerie and beginning forward again.

Opening her eyes after an embarrassed blink, Emilie realized everything had gone dark. Behind her was a gaping hole of light. It was a cave, she realized, with Veronica standing in the mouth of it.

As the moon appeared in the distance, it lit up all around Veronica, giving her an almost celestial glow. Emilie felt her pulse quickening as Veronica walked in to join her in the dark. The weak light washed up on the wall of the cave, revealing yet another painted message.

"IT'S THE ONLY WAY"

Veronica attempted to follow Emilie's gaze, but the blond suddenly became nervous at the thought of VeVa seeing the message. Instantly, her hand reached out to grab her shoulder and stop her…

…but instead found herself grabbing a breast.

Stumbling over herself in nervousness, Emilie backed up against the cave wall, hiding her scarlet cheeks as she muttered, "Sorry! Sorry, I just…"

But before she could say anything, Veronica was approaching the cornered girl placing her palms on Emilie's waist. The singer froze in sudden tension, feeling the breathlessness as it absolutely filled the cave. Veronica touched her forehead to Emilie's and fluttered her elegant lashes, giving a look that absolutely drove Emilie mad… well, MADDER, I should say.

With her intoxicating scent completely flooding Emilie's nostrils, Veronica whispered something that chilled Emilie's spine. "Maybe we should follow directions… just this once."

Emilie opened her mouth to say something, but found herself to have forgotten the English language completely. Before she could think of any clever Spanish colloquialisms, Veronica had filled dead space the separate the two, pressing her lips to Emile's and pushing her body up against the trembling hands that were not yet sure whether to push or grab.

Finally, in a heroic surrender, Emilie wrapped her arms around Veronica's butt, drawing the friend closer and kissing ravenously. It was lyk ttly hawt nd stuff.

As Veronica began to undo Emilie's sexy lingerie and kiss down her neck, a pair of impossibly bright lights came flooding into the cave, followed by the blare of a horn.

Spinning around wildly, Veronica found the lights to be those of a truck. Though the driver was indecipherable, she was able to pinpoint the license plate, finding it to read "PROTÉGÉ."

"Hey!" called Maggots from her spot at the wheel, waving a bony arm out the window. "What are you guys—"

It was at this moment that the knots of Emilie's top gave way and was caught by a gust of wind.

Everything was quiet for a moment.

After what seemed like an eternity, Mag sighed audibly and called out, "Get in my fucking truck you sluts."

Obediently, the two climbed in to the back, making no eye contact with one another. Veronica sheepishly offered one of her emergency feather fans over to the grateful friend beside her.

The three drove back to the cabin in silence, a kind of taut stillness lofting throughout the car as everybody felt the overbearing presence of the elephant in the room.

Finally, they reached the cabin, and found the night to have cleared up incredibly nicely. Emilie shuffled out with the fan in hand, bound for the cabin where she might find another pair of sexy lingerie to cover herself with. Veronica walked around to the back where Maggots was quietly storing something in the trunk. "Mag, listen, we were just…"

Captain Maggots absently made a "Hm?" noise.

"It's just, it was the only way to…"

"Uh-huh…"

Flustered, Veronica reached out to catch a surfboard that had begun to teeter out of the trunk. Peering in, she attempted to realign it as she hurriedly muttered, "Emilie and I were just getting a little close because it was—" but she stopped short suddenly, pulling the surfboard back in confusion as Maggots began to walk away, face dry of emotion.

A voice called after her, followed by the rustling that could only be the things in the truck.

"Maggots!" she snapped suddenly, causing the pirate to swing around in surprise, but now there was an irrepressible smile on her face. With realization overtaking Veronica's form, the lovely VeVa looked at her friend with mouth agape, offering forward the tin bucket she now had in her grasp.

"_Why _do you have this goddamn bucket of paint?"

**The End.**


End file.
